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Text File  |  1989-12-31  |  19KB  |  477 lines
  1.  
  2.         **************  *************  *             * ***************             
  3.        *               *             * *             * *
  4.        *               *             * *             * ***************     
  5.        *               *             * *      *      *               *
  6.        *               *             * *      *      *               *
  7.         **************  *************   *************  ***************
  8.  
  9.  
  10. POWER - This is just one of many files with some brilliantly funny ASCII 
  11.         cows which have been floating around for a long  time.  This  is 
  12.         one of the first cow files, if you want more, then just tell me.
  13.         Please note that some of the pictures may cause slight offence.
  14.  
  15.  
  16.          (__)
  17.          (oo)                       U
  18.   /-------\/                    /---V
  19.  / |     ||                    * |--|                       .
  20. *  ||----||
  21.    ^^    ^^
  22.  
  23. Cow at 1 meter.         Cow at 100 meters.        Cow at 10,000 meters.
  24.  
  25.  
  26.          (__)                     )__(                vv    vv
  27.          (oo)                     (oo)                ||----||  *
  28.   /-------\/               *-------\/                 ||     | /
  29.  / |     ||               / |     ||                 /\-------/
  30. *  ||----||              /  ||----||                (oo)
  31.    ^^    ^^                 vv    vv                (~~)
  32.  
  33. American Cow              Polish Cow            Australian Cow
  34.  
  35.  
  36.          (__)                     (__)                     (__)
  37.          (oo)                ____ (oo)                _---_(oo)
  38.   /-------\/               /-    --\/               /-     -\/
  39.  / |     ||               / |     ||               /|      ||
  40. *  ||----||              *  ||___-||              *  ||___-||
  41.    ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
  42.  
  43. Freshman Cow             Freshman Cow             Freshman Cow
  44. Arriving at RIT     After the "Freshman 15"    After the "Freshman 20"
  45.  
  46.          (__)                     (__)                     (__)
  47.          (OO)                     (@@)                     (xx)
  48.   /-------\/               /-------\/               /-------\/
  49.  / |     ||               / |     ||               / |     ||
  50. *  ||----||              *  ||----||              *  ||----||
  51.    ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
  52.  
  53. Cow who drank Jolt       Cow who ate              Cow who used Jolt to wash
  54.                       psychadelic mushrooms      down psychadelic mushrooms
  55.  
  56.  
  57.  
  58.                     (____)             (____)                           (____)
  59.                     (oo  )                (o  o)                        ( O O)
  60.          /-----------\  /          /-----\    /----          /-----------\  /
  61.         / ||       |  \/          / |   |  \/   |           / ||       |  \/
  62.        /  ||       ||||           \ |  |      | | |        /  ||       ||||
  63.       *   ||||-----||||            *| | |-----| | |       *   ||||-----||||
  64.           /\/\     /\/\             /\ /\     /\ /\           ^^^^     ^^^^
  65.      This cow belonged         This was Salvatore      No one was sure whether
  66.       to Pablo Picasso        Dali's favorite cow    M.C. Escher's cow had four
  67.                                                            legs or eight
  68.  
  69.  
  70.  
  71. . . . And now, the Golden Bovine Awards!
  72.  
  73.            (__)
  74.            (oo)      (_)
  75.     /-------\/        V
  76.    / |     ||        /G\
  77.   *  ||----||     ___[B]___
  78.      ^^    ^^     |       |
  79.  
  80. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for . . . the nominees for the
  81. best leading bull in a motion picture are:
  82.  
  83.         Christopher for his role as the Brooklyn tough in the critically
  84.                 acclaimed drama, "Chew the Cud Slowly"
  85.  
  86.         Gambler, the swashbuckling hero in this years box-office block
  87.                 buster in "Cow Wars III:  Return of the Bovine"
  88.  
  89.         Samson, as the somewhat deranged longhorn in what has been described
  90.                 as this years most artistic film, "Slaughterhouse Mine"
  91.  
  92.         Spencer for his outstanding portrayal of a cow who gets involved in
  93.                 some crazy farmers scheme and gets sent to foreign fields
  94.                 where his only goal is to get "Back to the Pasture"
  95.  
  96.         George, the latest heart throb to dance his way across the silver
  97.                 screen in "Hoofloose"
  98.  
  99.                 and
  100.  
  101.         Bitters in a thought provoking role as an in-mate at a barn for
  102.                 the mentally impaired in "One Flew Over the Milking Machine"
  103.  
  104. And the winner is . . .
  105.  
  106. Christopher in "Chew the Cud Slowly"
  107.  
  108. I would like to thank everyone who helped me make this movie, without whom I
  109. never would have won, especially, Farmer Brown, whose guidance and patience
  110. around feeding time helped me through the long nights of rehearsals and
  111. shootings, and Farm-Hand John, who used to sneak out at night to open the
  112. gate to the stud pen so that I could relieve some of my other tensions, and
  113. to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
  114.                              \
  115.            (__)                (___)
  116.            (oo)      (_)       (O O)
  117.     /-------\/        V         \ /---------\
  118.    / |     ||        /G\         O ||      | \
  119.   *  ||----||     ___[B]___        ||-----||  *
  120.      ^^    ^^     |       |        ^^     ^^
  121.  
  122.  
  123.  
  124. I would like to express my heart felt thanks to Gary Larson for giving
  125. me explicit written permission to use his Far Side cartoon panel as
  126. a basis for this cow posting:
  127.  
  128.  
  129.  
  130.  
  131.  
  132.  
  133. ...and with its onboard floating point
  134. and dual I and D cache buffers, the
  135. CLIPPER will blow the doors off of any
  136. micro in its class.                             QUICK, ONE'S COMING !!!
  137.     \                                                   \
  138.      \                                                   \
  139.       (__)          (__)                                 (__)
  140.       (oo)          (oo)                                 (oo)
  141.        \/            \/                                   \/
  142.      /----\        /----\                               /----\
  143.     /|    |\      /|    |\                             /|    |\
  144.    ^ |    | ^    ^ |    | ^-+                         ^ |    | ^
  145.      |    |        |    | |C|                           |    |
  146.      /----\        /----\ +-+                           /----\
  147.     /    \ \      /    \ \                             /    \ \
  148.    ^      * ^    ^      * ^                           ^      * ^
  149.  
  150.  
  151.  
  152.  
  153.  
  154.  
  155.  
  156.  
  157.  
  158.  
  159.               MOO                  Oh, how boring it must
  160.               /                    be to be a cow.
  161.            (__)      (__)                 \                   (__)
  162.            (oo)      (oo)                  _______            (oo)
  163.     /-------\/        \/-------\          //  ||\ \            \/-------\
  164.    / |     ||          ||     | \   _____//___||_\ \___         ||     | \
  165.   *  ||----||          ||----||  *  )  _          _    \        ||----||  *
  166.      ^^    ^^          ^^    ^^     |_/ \________/ \___|        ^^    ^^
  167. ______________________________________\_/________\_/__________________________
  168.  
  169.  
  170.  
  171.  
  172.  
  173.  
  174.  
  175.  
  176.  
  177. ...So explain to me again how
  178. they were able to acheive
  179. zero wait states...
  180.                  \                           It's party time!
  181.                   \                                    \
  182.       (__)          (__)                                 (__)
  183.       (oo)          (oo)                                 (oo)
  184.        \/            \/                                   \/
  185.      /----\        /----\                               /----\
  186.     /|    |\      /|    |\                             /|    |\
  187.    ^ |    | ^    ^ |    | ^-+                         ^ |    | ^
  188.      |    |        |    | |C|                      [BUD]|    |[BUD]
  189.      /----\        /----\ +-+                      [SIX]/----\[SIX]
  190.     /    \ \      /    \ \                             /    \ \
  191.    ^      * ^    ^      * ^                           ^      * ^
  192.  
  193.  
  194.  
  195.  
  196.  
  197.  
  198.  
  199.  
  200. CLIPPER is a trademark of the Fairchild Semiconductor Corporation,
  201. BUD is a trademark of Anheiser Busch Brewing, and
  202. "Far Side" is a New York Times Syndication.
  203.                   /
  204.                  /     And we're just stupid cows.
  205.            (__)                   /
  206.            (oo)              (__)
  207.     /-------\/               (oo)
  208.    / |     ||                 \/-------\
  209.   *  ||----||                  ||     | \
  210.      ^^    ^^                  ||----||  *
  211.                                ^^    ^^
  212.  
  213.  
  214.  
  215.  
  216.  
  217. Many people have been asking me why there are so many different kinds
  218. of milk on the shelves.  Not just different brands, but different types,
  219. like Whole or Low-Fat.  Well, I have decided to answer that question in
  220. full.  Listed below are most of the major types of milk available on the
  221. market today and with them are the type of cow that produces the milk.
  222. Most American citizens don't even begin to realize all of the carefull
  223. in-breeding that went into producing these strains of dairy
  224. the average consumer would have a wide selection of milk to choose from.
  225. In fact, most Americans are ignorant of tha fact that this many different
  226. types of cows exist.  Most people beleive that all cows look alike.  Not
  227. so, as we are soon to find out.
  228.  
  229.                                            Stephen L. Schultz
  230.                                            Head of Heifer Control
  231.                                            Computer Science House
  232.                                            Rochester Institute of Technology
  233.                                            Rochester, New York  14623
  234.  
  235.  
  236.  
  237.  
  238.          (__)                     (__)                    __)
  239.          (oo)                     (oo)                     o)
  240.   /-------\/               /-------\/
  241.  / |  O  ||               * ||----||
  242. *  ||----||                 ||    ||
  243.    ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
  244. Cow that gives            Cow that gives           Cow that gives
  245. (W)hole Milk.             Low-Fat Milk.            2% Milk.
  246.  
  247.  
  248.  
  249.          (__)
  250.          (dd)                                          .
  251.   /-------\/
  252.  / |     ||                         U                      .
  253. *  ||----||                     /---V                         .
  254.    ^^    ^^                    * |--|                  .
  255. Cow that gives            Cow that gives           Cow that gives (gave)
  256. Vitamin D Milk.           Condensed Milk.          Evaporated Milk.
  257.  
  258.  
  259. Warning:  Two of the last three are crude.
  260.  
  261.  
  262.  
  263.                                (__)
  264.                              __(oo)
  265.          (__)               /   \/  (__)                        (___)
  266.          milk              /   \\   (oo)                        (O O)
  267.   /-------\/              /|  /-^^---\/                 /--------\ /
  268.  / |     ||              / | /|     ||                 / |      ||O
  269. *  ||----||             *  || ||----||                *  ||@\---||
  270.    ^^    ^^                ^^ ^^    ^^                   ^^     ^^
  271. Cow that gives             Cows that give             Cow that gives
  272. Pasteurized Milk.          Homogenized Milk.          Cream.
  273.  
  274.  
  275.  
  276. I warned you.
  277.  
  278.  
  279. In an attempt to cash in on the cow craze that swept local.noise, Detroit
  280. has decided to produce a complete line of auto-moo-biles.  Japan was quick
  281. to follow suit and produced a few cows too, as were a couple of European
  282. countries.  Below is a list of the auto-moo-biles reviewed by "Cow and
  283. Track" magazine.
  284.  
  285. Before you read the list, I would like to point out that a friend of mine
  286. recently purchased a particular brand of automobile and we have been
  287. kidding her about the small size of this automobile.  It is intended to
  288. needle this person, but if you wish to take offense and want to flame me
  289. for degrading the car, then please, feel free to send all flames to:
  290.                  rochester!ritcv!ritcsh!adam
  291.  
  292. If you wish to make any constructive comments or suggestions to add to
  293. my collection of cows, please mail to:
  294.                  rochester!ritcv!ritcsh!hawk
  295.  
  296.  
  297.                        (__)                Stephen L. Schultz
  298.                        (oo)                Head of Heifer Control
  299.                 /-------\/                 Computer Science House
  300.                / |     ||                  Rochester Institute of Technology
  301.               *  ||----||                  Rochester, New York  14623
  302.                  ^^    ^^
  303.  
  304.  
  305. Here are the national standards for wheel-base classification:
  306.  
  307.              (__)              (__)            (__)          (__)
  308.              (oo)              (oo)            (oo)          (oo)
  309.   /-----------\/      /---------\/      /-------\/      /-----\/
  310.  / |         ||      / |       ||      / |     ||      / |   ||            U
  311. *  ||--------||     *  ||------||     *  ||----||     *  ||--||        /---V
  312.    OO        OO        OO      OO        OO    OO        OO  OO       * O--O
  313.  
  314.   Full-Size Cow       Mid-Size Cow    Compact Cow    Sub-Compact Cow    Yugo
  315.  
  316.  
  317.  
  318. These are some of the various models offered:
  319.  
  320.  
  321.    __   (__)       ______  (__)               (__)             (__)
  322.   /  \  (oo)      /      \ (oo)               (oo)          \  (oo)
  323.  /    ---\/      *        --\/     /|      |---\/      @     ---\/
  324. * |     ||       |         ||     * |______|  ||      /|       ||          U
  325.   ||----||       ||--------||       ||--------||     * ||------||      /---V
  326.   OO    OO       OO        OO       OO        OO       OO      OO     * O--O
  327.  
  328. Hatch-Back      Station Wagon      Pick-up Truck     Convertable   Roller Skate
  329.  
  330.  
  331.  
  332. Although some people like to customize their cows:
  333.  
  334.  
  335.          (__)                                               \
  336.          (oo)                                                \
  337.   /-------\/                                  (__)            \__)
  338.  / |     ||        /---_  (__)                (oo)            (oo)
  339. *  ||----||       / |   -_(oo)     /-----------\[]    /--------\/
  340.   OOO    OOO     *  ||-_  |\/     / |         |[]    /|=======||     *    U
  341.  O   O  O   O       ||  -_||     *  ||--------||    * ||------||(     \---V
  342.   OOO    OOO        OO    OO        OO        OO      @@      @@       O--O
  343.  
  344. Beach-comber's    A Low-Rider   Chevy Impala      Aluminum alloy      Yugo with
  345.     Deluxe                     with Fuzzy Dice   rims, fog lamps,       rear
  346.                                                   cb radio, and        spoiler
  347.                                                custom pin-striping
  348.  
  349.  
  350. Then there are the luxury cows:
  351.  
  352.  
  353.                                                (__)
  354.                                                (oo)
  355.   /---------------------------------------------\/
  356.  / |                                           ||                 U
  357. *  ||------------------------------------------||           /-----V
  358.    OO                                          OO          * O----O
  359.  
  360.                       Stretch Limo                         Yugo Limo
  361.  
  362.  
  363.  
  364. And the workforce of the interstate cowing industry:
  365.  
  366.  
  367.      /------------------------------------------
  368.     / |                                        |
  369.    /  |      Upstate Milk Cooperatives         | (_____)
  370.   /   |                                        | ( O O )
  371.  /    |                                        |  \   /
  372. *     |________________________________________|___\ /
  373.          OO  OO                         OO  OO      O         . .__.,,
  374.  
  375.                     The Eighteen Hoofer                    Yugo after being
  376.                                                       run over by the 18 hoofer
  377.  
  378.  
  379.  
  380. Many people have been asking what the most read magazine is amongst the
  381. bulls in the pen.  Well the answer is an easy one, it's PLAYBULL.  But
  382. not too many people know who own's PLAYBULL, so I thought it would be
  383. nice to head out to the PLAYBULL Mansion and meet the founder and editor,
  384. Hugh Heifer.
  385.  
  386.                                                 - Steve Schultz
  387.                                                   Head of Heifer Control
  388.  
  389. Here is Hugh Heifer himself, with a couple of his PLAYBULL Bunnies.
  390. Of course, whenever Hugh is around the mansion, he always wears his
  391. comfortable silk bathrobes.
  392.  
  393.         \    /                       \    /
  394.          \__/               (___)     \__/
  395.          (oo)               (o o)     (oo)
  396.   /-------\/        /---+----\ /       \/-------\
  397.  / |     ||        / |  |   ||O         ||     | \
  398. *  ||----||       *  ||-+---||          ||----||  *
  399.    ^^    ^^          ^^     ^^          ^^    ^^
  400.  
  401.  
  402. Meanwhile, in the photo studios in the back of the mansion, we see next
  403. issues centerfold posing in front of the camera.
  404.  
  405.          (__) O
  406.          (o[o]|                       *     (__)
  407.   /-------\/ v                       /      (oo)v
  408.  / |     ||_/                        \-------\/ \
  409. *  ||----|                     v____/      /   \/
  410.    ^^    ^                      v___\____v/___/
  411.  
  412. Probably an RIT               Is this one beautiful
  413. photo graduate                   bovine, or what?
  414.  
  415. Well, if you liked the way the centerfold looked, you may want some
  416. biographical data:
  417.  
  418. Name:                           Ingrid
  419. Age:                            4
  420. Occupation:                     Dairy producer
  421. Major Turn-ons:                 A well charged cattle prod
  422. Major Turn-offs:                A stud pen with too many cows
  423.                                 and not enough bulls
  424. Favorite TV Show:               T.J. Hoofer
  425. Favorite Rock Group:            George Thorocud
  426. Favorite Sexual Position:       Up against the barbed wire
  427. Ambitions in Life:              To be in heat during the running of the bulls
  428.  
  429. Our system ( VAXIMG ) is currently down for FCO's, and so, having nothing
  430. better to do ( not necessarily true, but nothing better that this)
  431. I decided to draw a few cows.  These cows are from the Corner Crew, so
  432. watch out, they are loud and obnoxious at hockey games.
  433.  
  434.                                                 - Hawk
  435.  
  436.                         (_   _)
  437.           (__)          (o   o)
  438.           (oo)           \   /-------\
  439.    /-------\/                ||     | \
  440.   * ||----||                 ||----||  *
  441.     ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
  442. Strawberry Shortcake    Banana Split
  443.  
  444.          (__)          (__)        *
  445.          (oo)          (oo)       /
  446.   /-------\/            \/-------/
  447.  / |     ||              ||     | o
  448. *  ||----||              ||----||   ooo
  449.    ::    ::              ^^    ^^  oooooo
  450. Your team skates      Like a pile of . . .
  451.  
  452. (__)                          (__)
  453. (oo)                          (oo)
  454.  \/-------\            /-------\/
  455.   \\     \ \          / /     //
  456.    \\----\\ *        * //----//
  457.     ^^    ^^          ^^    ^^
  458. Shift to the left    Shift to the right
  459.  
  460.     (__)
  461.     (oo)
  462.   /--\/--\               (__)
  463.  / |    | \              (oo)
  464. ^  |    |  ^           ---\/----<
  465.    /----\              | \-+-<
  466.   /   \  \             |   |
  467.  ^     *  ^         *__|__-+-<-<
  468. Stand up            Sit down
  469.  
  470.           (__)  *       (__)(__)
  471.           (xx)   \      (@@)(oo)
  472.    /-------\/ >---\------\/  \/-------\
  473.   / |     ||      |     ||>---|     || \
  474.  *  ||----||      |-----||     |----||  *
  475.     ^^    ^^      ^     ^^     ^    ^^
  476. Fight, fight, fight!
  477.